I wish I could say that this journey to medical school has been all fun and games. I wish I could say that I have always been 100 percent on track — doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, getting stellar grades, and on the path to curing some rare disease that only affects people with blue eyes who live below the equator. If I said all that, I wouldn’t be honest with how challenging some parts of this journey have been for me. Sure, the student I am now is a completely different student I was in college. I study harder, allow myself to be curious, intentionally make it an essential part of my week to serve others, talk and learn from other students who are further in their medical journey, and practice balancing my life as a student and as a 23-year old so much better than ever before. I mean, now I can bake from scratch, no Betty Crocker needed. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean there are days where I don’t feel the winds of burnout trying to knock me off my balance, disrupting the vision and expectation I have for myself.
There are some days where I just don’t want to do anything. For example, when the pandemic hit the United States in March 2020, I had no idea how much not being able to see my friends and family would impact me. During this past year, there were countless days where I felt so tired, and staying motivated to get up and study became more and more difficult. It seemed like every time I opened my phone, I would see yet another young black American being victim to police brutality. I endlessly scrolled on social media watching people I used to think of as role models when I was growing up in my small, southern hometown not even bat an eye at the tragic loss of an American citizen, or worse–rolling them, subconsciously driven by a hatred that ate away at them unknowingly like the slow growth of malignant cancer. Imagine trying to study the pathophysiology of acute tubular necrosis while watching yourself being murdered on social media week after week. Eventually, I had to turn it all off because I knew nobody cared about that traumatizing reality I was experiencing at that time. Nobody meaning the people teaching me in my program or the majority of my academic cohort. They only cared that I understood the clinical implications of kidney failure so that one day, I could help recognize and treat a patient in need. But to be real with you, learning how to balance being a Black woman in America and an aspiring physician, studying countless hours to successfully complete courses for my graduate degree, and hopefully dedicate my life to serving people who may or may not see my life as a Black woman valuable, took a toll on me. So somedays, I really did just have to do nothing because even if others didn’t feel like seeing imagery like that could be detrimental to the mental (and physical) health of any Black person in America, my own bones could and it is my responsibility to recognize that impact and take care of myself to the best of my ability.
This all happened during the first semester of the second year of my graduate program. Next summer, I will be applying to medical school! I can’t believe it is happening so soon. Even though there were days this past year where paying attention in the class felt almost impossible, I knew that my consistency and discipline would pay off. I had to believe that, and so do you because motivation can only get you so far.
The hard thing about this journey is not the amount of information you have to study or the constant need (or even want) to be involved with every little thing. The difficulty comes in maintaining consistency. Anybody can work really hard one day and produce something of value and worth the next, but those who are able to work hard over a long period of time, sacrificing things their peers wouldn’t dare to even think of and choosing to keep pushing when every bone in your body wants to give up, are rare. That is what makes this journey so unique. You must know your “why” so well that on the days that I described above when you don’t want to pay attention in class or go volunteer, you can easily remind yourself of why you are here–to serve others. You must remind yourself that this journey is not about you even in the slightest and learning to balance all of that while staying sane yourself is key.
Today, I am exhausted. Today, I have a number of things that need to get done before the weekend starts. Today, I want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls for hours while my phone stays on ‘Do Not Disturb’. But today, even though I one hundred percent do not want to, I will choose to do a little. Today, I am going to try because I know that one day, this will all be worth it. Today, I choose future me, my future patients, and my future community that I want to make a difference in because I believe that the gifts I have been given were given to me to serve others.
Today, I need you to try too. I need you to get off social media and make a small step toward whatever goal you have set for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be a career goal, it can be anything you want. Today, I need you to realize that you can not want your way into reaching that goal. You cannot dream your way into achieving where you want to be in life. You cannot Pinterest your way into making the impact you want to have on your community and this world.
You have to choose consistency and discipline over motivation because in all honestly, you won’t be motivated all the time. That isn’t a bad thing, but I think that it is something to keep in mind as you are working towards your goals.
For me, I keep the voices of the unheard close. I remind myself of communities afraid of going to the doctor because of transgenerational trauma. I remind myself of communities that speak other languages that don’t feel heard or understood during their appointments. What I am trying to say is that this can’t just be about you. So on the days when you feel like you want to just stop and quit, remember who will be the ones to suffer the consequences. I know it’s hard, trust me, the amount of MCAT studying I need to catch up on is not ideal, but you and I have to remember why we started. Don’t work yourself to death. That helps no one. Like I said before, you must choose a balanced life over everything. However, we have to be consistent and disciplined. We have to remind ourselves that our purpose is truly a gift and it is not just about us.
I want to leave you with this quote my friend shared with me. She said, “I saw this sign on the street and it said that it is okay to slow down, but not okay to quit.” Slow down, y’all. But now is not the time to quit. Your future needs you.
