On Time

Time is such a funny thing to me. My dad has always said that time is the most valuable currency in the world. “You can always make more money, but you can’t make more time,” he says.

I have a love-hate relationship with time. There are moments in which it feels like a hindrance and other moments, like today, when I look at time with a sense of nostalgia and gratitude. It feels like a sense of relief and acknowledgment. When the time is right, I exhale the weight of worries that have lived in the back of my head and whisper, “This is why I had to wait. I get it now.”

Time brings clarity to the unrelenting nights and the strenuous days I thought would never end. It is a reminder that all of this and none of this matters. My relationship with time used to be centered around the phrase, “I can’t wait until…” Sometimes it would be followed by “…until I graduate” or “…until I meet my life partner.” But that is where my relationship with time became toxic.

I have learned that time is not something for me to control; time is a gift for me to experience. We coexist together, time and I. When I looked at it that way, I learned to respect our symbiotic relationship. I stopped fighting expectations of moments and memories. I stopped thinking about the past I can not change and the future that ceases to exist no matter how hard my mind tries to convince me that it already does. Instead, I started listening to the birds in the morning. It is a part of my morning routine now. I wake up. Pray. Then open my windows to hear the birds who have come back just in time for Spring’s opening show. I started watching the cars go by in the coffee shop in between reading work emails. I started putting my phone down and looking into the eyes of my friends when they sat across from the table. I started feeling the sun on my shoulder right before it set, painting the sky, a gentle evening reminder that beautiful moments will come and go. I stopped waiting for the guy to become and just let him be, consciously deciding whether or not I choose to experience his existence in his now.

I want to respect time, not rush it or wish for it. I want my relationship with it to fuel present moments with peace. And in learning to respect its nature, I am also learning to respect my own. -TD